August 15, 2018

My sweet Tyler.

Today is August 15, 2018. It has been one month and 3 days since you were born. I was so ready to meet you! My pregnancy with you was fairly typical- morning sickness the first trimester, being tired, etc. The sickness mostly wore off, but then I got some really bad hip pain that made it so I could barely walk, which was miserable. I began to see a pregnancy chiropractor and it made a significant difference to my hip pain- hooray! The weirdest part of the pregnancy happened the week before you were born. Around the 4th of July, I  began having some severe gastrointestinal issues (lots of diarrhea!), but I'll go into more detail with that momentarily.  You were an active baby, with lots of kicking. I remember going to the ultrasound to find out what gender you would be, and your dad was positive you were another girl, but I had the faintest thought you were a boy. However, I've thought all my babies were boys, so I didn't have much confidence in my mothers intuition. My biggest 'clue' was that I wasn't craving any sweets, just lots of chips! When the ultrasound tech said, "it's a boy!" we were both so surprised! Dad had her check one more time, and she was very confident. As we walked out of the appointment, dad said he still didn't quite believe it! I was just relieved that you were developing correctly, and so excited to have a baby boy.

We bought a few cupcakes and I filled them with blue frosting. We gave them to your sisters and had them take a bite to see what color was inside and inform them if the baby was a boy or girl. They took a bite and were very happy to be getting a brother! Jayna wanted to name you Geronimo.

The week before your birth I began having lots of diarrhea. I thought it was just a symptom of the pregnancy, and my body preparing for labor. I saw my dr after about 6 days of it continuing, and me not getting much nutrients. I was worried about dehydration, etc. My dr was on vacation, so the dr on call told me to go to labor and delivery to get some fluids just in case. This was at 4pm on July 11th. Dad came home from work to stay with your sisters, and I expected to be home in about 2 hours.  They began giving me fluids and monitoring contractions. When I arrived I was measured at 2cms. I was done getting the fluids after about an hour, and I was checked one more time. In that hour, I had progressed to a 4! I was shocked because I hadn't felt anything. They had me stay one more hour to see if I continued to dilate. I tend to have quick labors, so no one wanted me to go home and not make it back in time. After an hour I had dilated to a 5, and was told I was being admitted to have a baby! I called Steven, and he packed his stuff. Ashley came to spend the night with your sisters. Dad arrived around 9pm, and then we had to wait for the dr to come and break my water. The dr arrived at 11pm, and I was at 6.5cm, and I had really not felt much pain. It was crazy to me. Once my water broke, I began having intense labor. My contractions seemed really far apart at about 5 minutes apart. I bounced on a birth ball, which really helped me deal with the pain. I moaned and groaned, and my nurse asked if I wanted pitocin to speed up my contractions. I said no. Around 12:30 I felt a weird feeling- like I had to push, but not quite. The dr came in and said I was ready to push you out! I said, "oh no!! Now is the worst part. It's going to hurt so bad". And it did! But 10 minutes and 3 pushes later and you were in my arms. I held you for about 30 seconds, when the nurse whisked you away. She must have noticed you breathing hard, and wanted to check you out. You looked huge to me.  The nurses guessed you'd be about 7lbs, 8 ounces. You fooled us all and were 6lbs 7ounces! You continued to struggle to breathe, so they took you to the NICU for monitoring. Dad went with you while I was cleaned up.

I finally got to see you after 90 minutes of them observing me. You were on oxygen and something called vapotherm, which made it so you didn't breathe so quickly. I was so in love with you. I knew right away that your name was Tyler John. Tyler after your father, and John after your great grandfather. The other name we both liked was Ian, but I knew that you were a Tyler, and your dad secretly wanted that name the most. The nurses told us that you'd probably be in the NICU for 3-4 days. It broke my heart, but I knew you needed the extra help. I stayed with you much of that time. I went to bed on the 12th, and when I woke up to visit you around 6:30am, I was frightened to death. I walked into the NICU so happy and excited to see you, but you were covered in tubes, at 100% oxygen, and looked like you were going to die. They said you had started breathing too quickly and it blew a hole in your lung- a collapsed lung. The neonatologist then rushed in and said they were going to do a surgery right now, and then life flight you to another hospital with a larger NICU. I was a mess. I cried and cried, I prayed, I paced. My baby was dieing and I couldn't do anything. The surgery was to insert a tube in your right side to remove the excess air from your body. The tube was inserted successfully, and you and both flew in the helicopter to the new hospital. Once you were settled in, it was a waiting game. You were heavily sedated, because the dr said that having a tube in your side is very painful, so it was better to just be asleep through it. Miraculously, after 24 hours the hole in your lungs had healed, and they were able to remove the tube, and your intubated tube down your throat! That meant that dad and I could finally hold and cuddle you. It was such a sweet and wonderful moment to be able to touch and kiss my baby. Dad and I took shifts at the hospital to cuddle you. I'd go from about 8am to 12pm, and dad would come from about 2pm-5pm. Once you were allowed to eat milk, I was able to try and breastfeed you. The nurse told me to not expect much, especially because you had a breathing tube and a feeding tube down your throat. I went to try, and the nurse and I were both shocked that you latched right on and nursed! I was so happy.

You were in the NICU for 11 days. We spent so much time going back and forth, and trying to keep things normal at home for your sisters. It was such a wonderful day when we were able to to bring you home. My parents took your sisters for a couple days while you and I stayed home and cuddled and nursed. I was on cloud nine finally having you home. This past month has been so difficult and wonderful in many ways. After about 2 weeks of having you home, the exhaustion really set in. You wouldn't sleep unless someone was holding you, which makes for very long nights. Thankfully last week you began letting us put you down at night in your own crib, so now we are both getting better sleep. You are very alert when you are awake, and look everywhere!

September 25, 2018

I never finished journaling, so I am back to add some more. You are almost 11 weeks old, and things are going so much better. You are such a smiley little baby! You love it when I talk to you, and I try and talk to you and play with you as much as I can when you are awake. Your smiles are such a big paycheck for me! You nap pretty well, and sleep in 3-4 hour stretches at night. You still fuss quite a bit going to bed at night, but the past two nights have been better, so I'm hoping that becomes your new normal. Your sisters adore you, maybe a little too much! I have to make sure they are careful with you. You received your name blessing in church, and you cried for most of it. So many priesthood holders who love you were there to support us and bless you. You have brought so much love and light into our home. Newborns are always difficult for me, and you are no exception, but I find that my experience with you to be more peaceful and happy. I love you so much, and feel so connected to you. My little boy, you are so important in our family, so needed, so wanted. I prayed and prayed to be blessed with another baby, and how blessed am I that you were sent to me. I love you Tyler!